a date saver

matt's art show.
put it on your calendar.
fun weekend event to end the summer.
the banana is yellow in real life. it might not make the show, as he painted scuba girl on the side of a dryer in the laundry at work!

tagged. stuff. head to toe.

dear sas/in the life of 5 year olds,
what i am getting ready to gab represents the most vain consumption of STUFF.
in every chain letter, email foward, or anything participatory like that - - i am always the friend that doesn't reply.
i'm going to break that habit just once for you. i have to reply to your tag, because prior to having a husband and a budget, i was deeply intrinched in what girls call PRODUCTS. life as a grogan: remember when we used to get a sephora fed ex package every other week? now, i manage to sneak by just the neccessities, which i will detail below, as my favorite things. not REALLY my real favorite things. just my favorite product things.

my favorite things, head to toe, in the product category. whewweee. i get excited just thinking about it. this is ridiculous.

start. bath.

head.
FRESH soy shampoo.

the smell. wow. the shine. very good. the residue left in my horse hair of a head of hair. very little. honestly, i have never bought a bottle. the hotel where i stay in l.a. stocks the FRESH line in the rooms. i have stocked up on enough travel bottles to last me through the summer.

head. part 2.
i very rarely use conditioner. instead, i put this japanese oil in my hair. i don't really know if it even has a brand name. rogan got it for me over 4 years ago. i still have the same bottle, almost 3/4 full. i just get a dab every time i wash my hair... run it through my hair. it keeps it away from dry. i don't know if it really does that, now that i think about it. i think it's just a ritual.

face.

wow. i have tried it all. dermalogica. md formulation. murad. proactive. straight up basis soap. (horrible.) and most recently, patricia wexler. (not crazy about it.) my all time favorite, in regards to performance, smell, less steps, and price, is SAMPAR.
i use the DAILY DOSE FOAMING CLEANSER, EQUALIZING FOAM PEEL and the BARELY THERE MOISTURE FLUID.

eyes.
KIEHLS CRYSTE MARINE FIRMING EYE TREATMENT.

i keep it in my purse. i squint alot.. have tired feeling eyes. it hydrates me, for real.

skin.
2 things.
RED FLOWER LEMON COFFEE BLOSSOM OLIVE STONE SCRUB.

this is no exaggeration. i could eat it. it is the most lovely combination of natural things i could ever imagine. matt and i both have somewhat porus, troubly skin in our thirties. it keeps us both smooth as a baby's bottom. you can buy it on-line, or call directly the store on prince street in nyc. it is a quaint shop, as small as your kitchen. we visited with the guys that make the recipes for the products, and realized from them that it really is so natural, that we could make it ourselves. we keep talking about doing it. it is pricey - and i miss it, so this weekend, we are going to make our own version.

NEUTROGENA SESAME OIL.
i slather up with it after my bath, before i dry off. another ritual. have done it for years.

toes.
alittle picky about this.

one coat of ESSIE BALLET SLIPPERS. (2 coats is almost too dense/white.)

and one coat of CHANEL NAIL COLOUR COCONUT 17.
i love the combination of the two.
big problem coming soon. chanel discontinued coconut 17 several years ago. i used to buy a bottle everytime i came to and from istanbul in duty free, and am on my last bottle.

i am finished. i cannot believe i had this much to say about STUFF.
i don't have anyone to tag! tag........ DIRTBUCKET. this should be good. and HAGEN HAPPENS. and TRIATHAPETE. and BALDDUDERUNNING.
love,
c

garlic on ice cream and shallots on cereal

we cook with atleast 4-5 cloves of garlic every night. really. i just like to punch the food with as much taste as possible. i think i also use so much because my turkish father mehmet ali eats raw garlic cloves by the handful. cooking with it makes me think of him and remember istanbul. he eats it by the handful for the medicinal purposes.

but lately, just as much as loving the garlic, we have loved the shallots.
shallots have a mild taste that combines the flavor of a sweet onion with a touch of garlic. i used to only occassionally buy them in place of onions, mainly because the local grocery store doesn't always have them, and when they do, they are a fortune.
brother and lk introduced us to one of the asian markets nearby. she sells a half-dozen for a dollar-ish!

they are dainty and pretty and bulb-y and such a delightful substitute for an onion.

the medicine made me crazy

ahhhhhhhhhhh. or is it uggghhhhhhh? ohhhhhhhhhhhh. that's more like a deep breath. that's where i am right now.

i haven't written a word in this blog for months. tried to keep it somewhat active with pictures, but honestly, even that has been a struggle. i just haven't been able to utter anything down. when i have tried, the overwelming emotion is the same as when i have tried to talk for the past several months. waves of tears come. ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. deep breath. feel the wave coming.
when i look back to see what i just wrote above.... i define depressed. but the past several months' pain is different from depression as i have known it. this wave doesn't keep me in bed, or inactive, or unable to focus, or eating less or more. this wave has, though, caused me to intravert alittle. this wave definition: i just feel really aware that i feel sad and anxious. feel the wave coming AGAIN. my lord. oh. and if it's not sad feelings, it's me jumping down someone's throat. waves of freak outs. i have never experienced anything like this in my life.
so.
i have tried to identify with myself/within myself for the past several days. first, i wanted to really realize circumstances that make me sad or anxiety ridden right now. that was a one minute task.
1. we are at the year mark of trying to conceive a baby. some people choose to keep this kind of struggle private, which i really do respect. but, we just aren't very private people. it's a once a month announcement to family and friends. "i started my period." i have done that since i was little.
2. the medicine that i take, because of not yet being able to conceive a baby. i think it really has made me chemically crazy.
3. friendships changing.
4. having to resort to "tough love" with someone that we love soooo much.
oh my. i forgot something else until just now. i kicked a smoking addiction several months ago. no wonder i'm such an bitch.
so, for me atleast, that is a load. it's physical, mental, emotional, spiritual.
it's about struggles with myself...my body, not matt's. as he would tell you, his fertility test results equalled "i am strong like bull!"
it's struggles with God. when will it sink in to my thick skull that God will take care of us? as matt prays, "God, please forgive my unbelief."
it's struggles with friendships (nothing bad or mad. just changes. evolving.)
and it's struggles with someone that we love sooo much. (we love you, if you are reading.)

the influence of 2 sweet souls is what lead me in the past couple of days to take an inventory of my shit in my head, and now i'm spilling it all out in this blog.
my swedish cousin-in-law..
she is a long legged, red curly haired godess. her style: she cuddles up to you on a couch really close, looks you deep in the eyes, and asks softly - - really hard questions. last sunday - she pulled this on me unexpectedly. she indirectly forced me to think about what was going on inside of me. she sent me home with a list of authors that she revears. not really self-help type books. more like mind-body wellness references. my little sister and i went to collect some of the books yesterday afternoon. last night, i started reading "women's bodies, women's wisdom", by christiane northrup, m.d. the look of the cover really scared me. sometimes i buy or don't buy books, like i buy or don't buy wine. i have to like the label. anyway.... thusfar, the book really made me think outside of the box that i usually think in. that was really already an instant relief from the sad and anxiety ridden feelings. sometimes, i guess we just get stuck. i have been so stuck, in regards to not having a sweet baby. so many have told me, "just quit thinking about it." and i have seriously contemplated how to just quit thinking about it, damnit. i love all of you that have told me that, but haven't figured out a way to do that. but, then last night, some paths started clearing.

and then.
a sister-friend.
long story.
tied together via my little sister, and possibly her biggest brother, and somewhere in there my favorite teacher, and alittle weirdly, my husband. but REALLY tied together because that's just how God made it.
i have always loved her. i haven't really talked with her for years, for no other reason than no reason. but nevertheless, i have always made an effort to know about her... to know how she is. from the side, i have watched her blossom into an exquisite woman.
i am almost finished.
so she has apparently been watching me, too, lately. she knew about us working on a baby. she sent a story to me via my little sister, and a gift of one of her empty journals. (she is a truly gifted writer. i don't know how to hyperlink her in here...so go to rootsandwingsandmilesbetween.blogspot.com.)
the journal came to me a couple of months ago. finally, several days ago, i wrote in it. i think i just wrote 2 or 3 words. but it freed me up.

so really, this spill is my thank you note to the long legged cousin-in-law and both a thank you note and a farewell note to the sister-friend. she is getting ready to put on her wings.

good night.

happy flagbirthday mrs. richard. i love you.