merry holidays

anyone that is in town saturday night... please come join us at home for an impromptu come in and out or stay all night holiday festive par-tay. 7ish would be great.
would love to see everyone. and would love to have everyone over before new years bc/ matt leaves for india for a month jan 1.
love,
carrie and matt

alittle about jeans but not really

my only blogging goal a year ago was to create some outlet that had absolutely nothing to do with work.
did it! yea.
i would love to make an exeption tonight and share with my friends and family a couple of blogs that are work related, since i need to post on work blog tonight anyway. they are tied to personal friends - which makes me evern more happy to share with you.

first.
loomstateactnatural.blogspot.com

long story short - some of you know about rogan or have met him over the years during his trips to ky. he is a customer of ours, but most importantly a dear friend, who sometimes i forget is a customer and treat unfairly as a brother. i am happy to yell it from a blog rooftop that he won the CFDA award a couple of weeks ago. this is an extraordinary honor from VOGUE and CFDA (council of fashion designers of america), going to the top up and coming designer of the year. up and coming is alittle off - -bc/ he up and came already, but anyway....
he got a big sum of money which he won't keep for himself, a car and a watch, which is halarious, and a partnership with a mentor of his choice for a year. can't wait to know who he chooses.
rogan's brand is ROGAN... and then LOOMSTATE was born, and then EDUN with bono and his wife ali. back to loomstate. loomstate was born in the early 2000's, the love behind it being pure and organic. everyone might claim to be the "first" of anything, but really, rogan and his partner scott were visionaries in the sense of bringing organic cotton goods into the premium clothing market. i will never forget one time when rogan and scott came to istanbul to stay with me, during the dreamy inception stage of LOOMSTATE. i was so young and ignorant in rgds to understanding anything about organic goods, sustainability, responsibility...... at the time, i just knew that atleast if i were at home, i would be recycling cans and newspapers and glass coke bottles out of habit from my grandparents' and mom's training.
skip 7 years forward - and check out the loomstate blog, written by scott. he is one of the most passionate people i have every met when it comes to anything natural. enjoy.

and second.
6 degrees of separation, sortof.
inspirationresource.blogspot.com

we have worked with abercrombie design team off and on for years. one of our best friends and old co-workers worked for a/f before he came to kentucky to work with us. (hi pete. miss you.) a thousand (barely an exageration) of our design friends have made a tour at abercrombie for atleast a year. anyway - last summer, matt and i ran down to the bar on the night before my little sister's 10 year class reunion. her buddies were all in town. we caught up with one of her childhood friends, tracy, who matt also grew up with. tracy had the SWEETEST girl with him from california. we chatted for a long time... realized that we knew alot of the same people in the denim world, bc/ she is outposted in la, doing the conceptual design for abercrombie, and before that, urban outfitters. we hit it off... promised to get in touch with them anytime i would be in la, didn't do it ever, which i am notourious for.
one year later.
last weekend, tracy and michelle were in ky... so happy that they came to the art show. we have emailed back and forth after the fact. she is such lovely person and such an aesthetic inspiration, even just looking at her and talking to her. she was very kind to share with me her daily blog of color and graphic inspiration. she encouraged me to share with whomever. check it out.. inspirationresource.blogspot.com
she updates daily - - and i got happily lost in her links/"follow me" sidebar.

goodnight.

wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

i didn't even remember the past month until i uploaded pictures tonight.
slow down. sssssllllllow down. sometimes i feel like i forget to breathe. actually - last week, i woke up in the middle of the night and thought i wasn't breathing. that is one of the anxiety-ridden symptoms that i have worked to not have.
so on sunday.... matt sensed as he always does, the need to sllllow it down. he ended my month with a massage therapist coming to our house late afternoon.
i don't want to continue to miss what's happening in all of our lives.
in the past month...
we spent the weekend in nashville with most all of our childhood friends. (thank you 1 month late, lackey's - for chili cookoff 07.)


we watched our best friends bring a healthy baby girl into this world.

we spent a wonderful thanksgiving thursday and friday with BOTH of our families.

we found atleast a short night to see some friends that were in for the holiday. still missed seeing so many. local bar til weee hours for thanksgiving pasts..... but this year, we settled for wiiiiiiiiiiii at home.



and then a hell 90 hour work week to debut a new collection, that despite the time it has taken for months and fever blisters it has brought - it was such a joy to put it together with my brother and dme/dg/bs/bg/rk/ss/kg/ab and all of our team.

and then somehow pulled of an art show and a birthday.


wiiiiiiii.
all of those occasions sound so precious now that i remember them. the list of stressful, which was just as long or longer last month and still now, disapates some when i remember to remember the times that happen. everyday.

my ring in a haystack

this is matt, 2 hours after metal detecting my brother's back yard and sifting through a 10 large black garbage bag size pile of leaves.... all to find my engagement ring.
i love you matty.

bringing life back to the first street space.

we were so more than pleased with the response to matt's show in august.
at the end of the closing night of his show... we stood with friends and family in the space and were really sad to think of letting the space go. those emotions and then many conversations of "what if...." led to dinner with cousins to dream about 314 first street, then meetings with downtown henderson project.....which led to brainstorms of rejuvenating our sweet little vacant first street with art and music and food, which coincided with investors in our town wanting to help make something happen downtown, to........
on and on. the thoughts and talk is endless. sometimes this stuff happens and sometimes it doesn't. (it will though!) everything we have talked about are big projects with long term goals. matt and i (and our dhp friend) are impatient, though.... so we thought to put another show in the first street space. the owner of the building was AGAIN gracious to donate the space. wow.
we believe that this show is a night that NO ONE will want to miss.

the night will feature 4 artists, all specially different enough, but earily perfect together. (and none of the 4 being matt.)
there are too many reasons why you have to come support these 2 guys and 2 gals. one of the artists, along with selling his photography, will be debuting his book, "dirty henderson". absolutely lovely. actually - - - i'll stop there and tell more about each of the artists in a later post.

we hope for a december cozy night of fun and enrichment for all. i would also highly encourage you to bring your checkbook. the mediums of art vary, as will the prices.
also know that this is not means of a business for matt and me. not for profit. the full sale of the art goes directly to the artists.
for now... we just want to keep alittle something going in the space on first street that was so good to us.

mark your calendar. december 1st. 314 first street. 6-10pm. spirits and hot chocolate! and one of the artists is also a vegan dessert chef. can't wait to see what she puts together for the show.
please come join us....
carrie and matt

happy halloween havoc at the eddmenson's. whewwweeee!

my mom's attic

my mom keeps everything. not in a hoarding or junk infested way. more like cataloged. and the cataloged categories are endless. but all usable.
*every book that any of us has every read or not read. (i would say thousands.)
*empty frames (hundreds) in case we ever need one.
*pencils. i think we only have 1 in our house. she has a drawer dedicated to them.
*fine stationery.
*crayons. boxes of.
*hangers.
*all fixtures from our childhood rooms (so we can have for our children's rooms if we want..)
*furniture (ok. this category could possibly be considered as a hoarding category.) but nevertheless, no one in my entire family has every had to buy a sofa. other than the one i had made in istanbul, bc/ i couldn't get one of hers over there.
*clothes. this category deserves it's own special blog. i cannot really even begin to explain to you what she has saved. and the condition of the clothes. amazing. every good dress, every good sweater, every good pair of wool pants, every skirt, every PAIR OF PAJAMAS. really, everything but shoes, because we all genetically have stink feet.
back to every. when i say every... i mean every single good piece she ever put us in from the time we were born until pre-teen age. and all of this x 4 children. i really might dedicate a post to the clothes. girls toddler to pre teen are down from the attic right now for my brother and sisters to go through for their children. i am going to snap some pics. i bitched and bitched as a child because i was somewhat embarrased that we had fine clothes. how thankful i should have been. not because our clothes were nice, but because she was teaching us to take care of nice things.

saying all of this to say that.....
sometimes we give mom a hard time about her saving. my dad sometimes really does. and i have to say, in a way, bless his heart. he lives in a house with her and everything that she saves! but more than bless his heart... i would say "deal with it shithead". she has saved none of it for herself... but all for us.
in the past, she has either ignored or rebutted our suggestions for her to let some of it go.
but like everything she does... she does it in her own time, and historically - in the right time.
so in a very lady-like way, a month ago, she quietly and softly started letting some of it go.
it was really a big hurdle for her.
so, my sisters and i did it with her. (or atleast on day 1.)
we spent a morning in her attic. and know that this isn't the attic of our childhood home. this is 2 homes later... and this attic is just as our childhood home attic was for the first 18 years of my life.
i'm starting to ramble. but there are soooooooo many memories attached to all of this.
anyway..
the morning in the attic was nothing less than magical. i can't really explain it. and really, i don't want to. it was just a very special time for us with mom.

the reason i initally started writing tonight was to post about another category not yet mentioned that mom saved for us all.
junior high and high school year books.
in mom and dad's library, there are 2 shelves dedicated to just this. all of mom and dad's, all of bart's, all of shara's, all of mine, and all of susan's.... other than one that has always been missing: her 7th grade year book.
it was for some reason in the attic in a box.
mom dropped it off at susan's house. susan must have taken a quick cruise through it. she called me pretty quickly after mom brought it to her to read me an entry.
to set up the story:
susan was in 7th grade.
matt was in 9th grade...9th grade at that time still at the junior high.
susan "went with" matt's best friend, so susan and matt were friends.
matt "went with" susan's best friend alittle and my best friend alittle.
matt's best friend was my best guy friend.
so, we were somewhat distant friends through girlfriends and sister and best guy friend.
i was in 10th grade... first year at the high school.
you can read matt's entry to susan above in the image. click on it if you want to read it bigger.
i didn't have any reccolection of being in florida with matt.

fast forward 15 years later (now 3 1/2 years ago)....
matt told me the night that we left the world of only being friends and entered the world of admitting that we loved each other, that he had always loved me. i love to remember and think about when he told me that. sometimes, i feel like a little child asking him about it, just like a child would say to their parent... "tell me the story about when i was born".
it was a cold chill, happy tears moment when i read matt's entry in susan's 7th grade year book.
matt is so over me telling the story to everyone... but to me it's like digging up a time capsule about the beginning of us.

still rambling all of that to say this to my mom. i hope she is reading.
thank you mom. thank you for saving all of the categories, such as the year book. thank you for trying to instill that in me. as you know, i fall more on the hoarder side, and don't properly category my saves. i have made major progress over the years, though! one of my solutions and coping for the past several years is to get rid of and have less. that works for me now. sometimes i love living more simply, but other times i regret not saving memories. but, hopefully by the time that i am a mother, i will inately know how to do it just like you did. the way that you did it is just perfect to me.
the next eddmenson house project is to make a slide down ladder for our attic. i hope someday it is full of love like yours.
i love you.
c

me, my sister daryl and my other sister daryl

who is christine? and who the hell is william sledd?

funny story short....
last saturday night, matt won a very nice award in the ohio valley art league's "recycle II" show.
(yeah matt. love you and miss you! see you tomorrow...)
we went to the awards event at our local fine arts center, which was proceeded by a concert featuring christine ebersole. she is a tony award winning broadway chic.
anyway - - matt and i had hazel with us (matt's grandmother), so we did not plan to stay for the concert.
as we were leaving the fine arts center - - matt came and whispered to me, "oh my god. that is the you tube fashion boy." i had no clue who or what he was talking about. he shortly explained to me that there is a guy on you tube that reports on fashion. he had become an overnight wonder, apparently... picked up by late night shows and other talk shows. friends to celebs, and the middle names in fashion, all of the sudden.
so, i walked up to the little boy holding a vintage gucci bag and a water bottle (no water bottles aloud at the fine arts center), and reaking of smoke.... and asked if he was the you tube kid.
he said yes.
i asked why in the world was he in henderson, ky.
he said that he was here with christine... he was taking her to paducah, ky in the morning to meet his mom.
i said, "are you from paducah?"
he said yes.
and then i asked, "who is christine?"
and then matt diverted the airhead question and pushed me away.
he told the you tube boy... "oh.... check this out..." (trying to start a conversation.) "we develop and make some of the things that you report."
william sledd looked at matt like he was a stupid country bumpkin idiot... although so dapper in his rogan straight tie and a grandfather's sunday hat.
i thought to start to explain.
matt was alittle annoyed by the boy's arrogance.
so we left.

so attached is william sledd's denim edition, just as an example.
this kid has over 3 million hits just on this edition?
what????

congratulations to william sledd. cute success story.
glad i found out "who is christine..?"
and... glad i quit smoking after smelling him.
really.... just posting because i was sorry for anyone to look at that woman's anatomy on the old post below.
ce

the big blur

sometimes i can't remember what happened yesterday, much less remembering what was going on in our lives weeks and months ago. i have to read my blog to remember what has transpired in our own life!

the last week inparticular was a big blur. but looking back on it, it is refreshing to remember that generally, i feel so much better and so much more encouraged and so much more comfortable right now about......
everything.

last week was back to crazy into the late night/into the wee hours of morning work schedule. i have been working on a new project for the past month or so. last week was somewhat the debut of the project. it was a real pleasure to watch it all fall into place. out of the thousand different scopes of our business that i have been a part of, this project is my favorite.

the crunch of the work week didn't give matt or me time to think about what we had ahead of us for the weekend. so, not until friday night at dinner, did we talk about and read the instructions for an outpatient surgery that i would have the next day.
so, saturday morning, we headed to the hospital that i had not been admitted into since i was born there 33 years ago!
first part went ok: putting the hospital gown on.
second part went quickly downhill. i warned the nurses when we arrived that i would possibly be the worst patient they had ever experienced. i told them that if they could follow my strict directions about the bloodwork and iv - then i would be an angel after that.
they worked with me. i told them that i had a special trick about the blood taking. asked them to use a blood pressure cuff instead of the turnicate that MAKES ME CRAZY. then, i asked them to go ahead and put the iv in at the same time they took the blood. WAHLA. they did it. the only person physically and emotionally injured during the event was matt. i had him in a head lock, smelling his hair, to get me through it. someday, i hope to not be so frightened by needles and vains, but for now, this is how i get through it.

long story short... (and to pick up where i left you off a couple of months ago), we had a laproscopy procedure and HSG on that saturday 2 days ago to clean some things up inside that our specialist thought possibly could be getting in the way of our hope to start a family. i don't know how he knew it via a consultation, but his assumptions were right on.
the procedure lasted about 2 hours, i think. he found endometriosis, which was his original assumption. he lasered that out. there were several cysts in my uterus, and a tumor on my right tube. meanwhile, he flushed my tubes. now, all of the above.... gone. he puts it probably alot easier than it might be, but he said that now the coast is clear. it's sortof a funny, out of body feeling. i have not been able to walk so well in the past 2 days, have been full of gas up to my ears, literally. i have 3 insisions in my abdomen. and i know that the doctor tells us now we are ready to go. the out of body part is that i feel like after all of that, we are ready for the baby. but then i remember, now we have to start again trying to have it!

but now, for some reason, the rush and the anxiety and the frustration and the sadness of the past year and a half is gone... or atleast for now. we feel so blessed to be "cleaned up". now, i think we finally are really able to be in the place where we have tried find for a while. just living and loving each other. i pray for others in this similar situation to always find this place, too.
this blog is an update to my dear friends and best family, a vow to myself to throw away the thermometer, and a reminder note to my partner and best friend: i love you.

thank you.

today, we are overwhelmed by the love and support from our families and friends (who are our family, too) and our little town and the alittle bigger town across the river.
the outcome of INTANGIBLE THEORY matched up too perfectly with our goals for having the show in the first place.
there's no order of priority for why we did it. it just all is one long sentence, thought, reason.
he wanted to paint again.
i needed a project to keep my mind clear.
we hoped to create an occasion for people to have a reason to get out, and to feel enriched.
we wanted to find a group to give our money and time to. (jfk kids.... you win!)
all of the above was accomplished, but triple fold.
the most amazing feeling, which trumps all - - - was the circle that our family and friends formed around us to help us meet our little dream. it's just what family and friends do. but for some reason, we feel like our family and friends do it the best. we are just overcome with emotion.
can't wait to share what we have planned for the jfk kids. something for the whole town to enjoy. stay tuned!

with our love,
the eddmenson's

kids and spray paint

“We see creativity as the essence of the human experience -- it shapes the future. It is the building block that connects our human experience to life itself, a core discipline for developing human potential.”

This mission statement is from Inner-City Arts, a nationwide program that supports the development of creativity and art in our nation’s inner cities.

As a very young artist, Matt hung out at Henderson’s JFK Center, and with his friends, painted a wall mural that is still there today. His experience at the center has contributed to his style and medium.

The JFK Center is part of the City of Henderson Parks and Recreation Program and affects 50 children a day thru programs in fitness, computer skills, and arts. From 2.30 to 5 pm every day, the Center is deemed a “safe place” for our community’s inner-city youth. The Center’s annual activities budget is $8,000.

Matt’s vision is to form a relationship with the JFK Center and initiate an inner-city art program in Henderson by teaching classes in his medium- stencil and spray. He will contribute 10% of the proceeds of this show for art materials and donate his teaching time to that cause.

Matt appreciates your interest in his work and how it relates to the creative development of Henderson’s youth.

art show space. before the work begins picture.

314 first street.
8/24-8/25.
7p-11p
don't forget.

good morning, coffee

i am so relieved to finally only be addicted to coffee, instead of cigarettes and coffee.
i've noticed lately that, before i go to bed, i think about what the coffee will taste like in the morning.
we stopped by the house this afternoon before matt took me to the airport....and on the front porch was the shipment that i dream about. 10 cans of santo domingo. it's already gone before we even open the box.
divying out priorities are...
2 cans for mike, because we gave him cans for his birthday, and i stole one back. (sorry it's taken so long mikey...).
2 cans to alex for house/lale sitting.
2 cans for work because nancy will not buy us good coffee.
2 cans for the art show coffee.
and 1 for you to crack open in the morning, matty. (good morning, honey.)
that leaves us with only 1 left.

go to cafebueno.com to order, unless you plan to be in the domincan republic anytime soon. if you are local - tag on to our next order!

yesterdays. this morning. today. and tomorrow.

thinking about things that just are not right now.
fall in kentucky.
and summer in turkey.
all this must spawn from the too hot heat yesterday and today.
right now... i desparately want either the feeling of audabon park in october, or being IN the meditteranean every weekend in the summer.
i love seasonal feelings.
but then, i think how too fine we are, drinking our morning pot of coffee in our safe, lovely home.....with air conditioning. and then, maybe going to the pool later, if we want.
i was driving down main street yesterday, rushing matt back to the oral surgeon for the 3rd time to get his wisdom tooth thing re-sewn up. as we sat in our air conditioned car, we had to wait alittle longer than usual after the light turned green at a stoplight, because an overweight lady was barely making it across the street in the heat. she had dollar store bags in each hand, and was trying to make it to the bus stop (about 30 steps ahead). she was talking to herself, seeming alittle out of her mind. she was swaying, although still walking. i really thought she was going to pass out. matt was bleeding more than he should have been, so in no shape to get out to help her. i, on the other hand, was in mild shock. usually, i rush to help someone like that. but, i just watched her. felt like my mind was in slow motion. i guess i didn't instinctly react and get out of the car, because i think i knew she was going to make it to the curb and bus stop... (and she did). all i could think about in that slow motion mindset was how selfish my heat bitching had been all day. what was this lady going home to? maybe a cooled home, but maybe not.
yesterday, i hated the heat. and this morning, i want things and places that i can't have. now today, i want to re-re-realize how thankful i am. and next time, i'll get out of the car and help her across the street.

a date saver

matt's art show.
put it on your calendar.
fun weekend event to end the summer.
the banana is yellow in real life. it might not make the show, as he painted scuba girl on the side of a dryer in the laundry at work!

tagged. stuff. head to toe.

dear sas/in the life of 5 year olds,
what i am getting ready to gab represents the most vain consumption of STUFF.
in every chain letter, email foward, or anything participatory like that - - i am always the friend that doesn't reply.
i'm going to break that habit just once for you. i have to reply to your tag, because prior to having a husband and a budget, i was deeply intrinched in what girls call PRODUCTS. life as a grogan: remember when we used to get a sephora fed ex package every other week? now, i manage to sneak by just the neccessities, which i will detail below, as my favorite things. not REALLY my real favorite things. just my favorite product things.

my favorite things, head to toe, in the product category. whewweee. i get excited just thinking about it. this is ridiculous.

start. bath.

head.
FRESH soy shampoo.

the smell. wow. the shine. very good. the residue left in my horse hair of a head of hair. very little. honestly, i have never bought a bottle. the hotel where i stay in l.a. stocks the FRESH line in the rooms. i have stocked up on enough travel bottles to last me through the summer.

head. part 2.
i very rarely use conditioner. instead, i put this japanese oil in my hair. i don't really know if it even has a brand name. rogan got it for me over 4 years ago. i still have the same bottle, almost 3/4 full. i just get a dab every time i wash my hair... run it through my hair. it keeps it away from dry. i don't know if it really does that, now that i think about it. i think it's just a ritual.

face.

wow. i have tried it all. dermalogica. md formulation. murad. proactive. straight up basis soap. (horrible.) and most recently, patricia wexler. (not crazy about it.) my all time favorite, in regards to performance, smell, less steps, and price, is SAMPAR.
i use the DAILY DOSE FOAMING CLEANSER, EQUALIZING FOAM PEEL and the BARELY THERE MOISTURE FLUID.

eyes.
KIEHLS CRYSTE MARINE FIRMING EYE TREATMENT.

i keep it in my purse. i squint alot.. have tired feeling eyes. it hydrates me, for real.

skin.
2 things.
RED FLOWER LEMON COFFEE BLOSSOM OLIVE STONE SCRUB.

this is no exaggeration. i could eat it. it is the most lovely combination of natural things i could ever imagine. matt and i both have somewhat porus, troubly skin in our thirties. it keeps us both smooth as a baby's bottom. you can buy it on-line, or call directly the store on prince street in nyc. it is a quaint shop, as small as your kitchen. we visited with the guys that make the recipes for the products, and realized from them that it really is so natural, that we could make it ourselves. we keep talking about doing it. it is pricey - and i miss it, so this weekend, we are going to make our own version.

NEUTROGENA SESAME OIL.
i slather up with it after my bath, before i dry off. another ritual. have done it for years.

toes.
alittle picky about this.

one coat of ESSIE BALLET SLIPPERS. (2 coats is almost too dense/white.)

and one coat of CHANEL NAIL COLOUR COCONUT 17.
i love the combination of the two.
big problem coming soon. chanel discontinued coconut 17 several years ago. i used to buy a bottle everytime i came to and from istanbul in duty free, and am on my last bottle.

i am finished. i cannot believe i had this much to say about STUFF.
i don't have anyone to tag! tag........ DIRTBUCKET. this should be good. and HAGEN HAPPENS. and TRIATHAPETE. and BALDDUDERUNNING.
love,
c

garlic on ice cream and shallots on cereal

we cook with atleast 4-5 cloves of garlic every night. really. i just like to punch the food with as much taste as possible. i think i also use so much because my turkish father mehmet ali eats raw garlic cloves by the handful. cooking with it makes me think of him and remember istanbul. he eats it by the handful for the medicinal purposes.

but lately, just as much as loving the garlic, we have loved the shallots.
shallots have a mild taste that combines the flavor of a sweet onion with a touch of garlic. i used to only occassionally buy them in place of onions, mainly because the local grocery store doesn't always have them, and when they do, they are a fortune.
brother and lk introduced us to one of the asian markets nearby. she sells a half-dozen for a dollar-ish!

they are dainty and pretty and bulb-y and such a delightful substitute for an onion.

the medicine made me crazy

ahhhhhhhhhhh. or is it uggghhhhhhh? ohhhhhhhhhhhh. that's more like a deep breath. that's where i am right now.

i haven't written a word in this blog for months. tried to keep it somewhat active with pictures, but honestly, even that has been a struggle. i just haven't been able to utter anything down. when i have tried, the overwelming emotion is the same as when i have tried to talk for the past several months. waves of tears come. ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. deep breath. feel the wave coming.
when i look back to see what i just wrote above.... i define depressed. but the past several months' pain is different from depression as i have known it. this wave doesn't keep me in bed, or inactive, or unable to focus, or eating less or more. this wave has, though, caused me to intravert alittle. this wave definition: i just feel really aware that i feel sad and anxious. feel the wave coming AGAIN. my lord. oh. and if it's not sad feelings, it's me jumping down someone's throat. waves of freak outs. i have never experienced anything like this in my life.
so.
i have tried to identify with myself/within myself for the past several days. first, i wanted to really realize circumstances that make me sad or anxiety ridden right now. that was a one minute task.
1. we are at the year mark of trying to conceive a baby. some people choose to keep this kind of struggle private, which i really do respect. but, we just aren't very private people. it's a once a month announcement to family and friends. "i started my period." i have done that since i was little.
2. the medicine that i take, because of not yet being able to conceive a baby. i think it really has made me chemically crazy.
3. friendships changing.
4. having to resort to "tough love" with someone that we love soooo much.
oh my. i forgot something else until just now. i kicked a smoking addiction several months ago. no wonder i'm such an bitch.
so, for me atleast, that is a load. it's physical, mental, emotional, spiritual.
it's about struggles with myself...my body, not matt's. as he would tell you, his fertility test results equalled "i am strong like bull!"
it's struggles with God. when will it sink in to my thick skull that God will take care of us? as matt prays, "God, please forgive my unbelief."
it's struggles with friendships (nothing bad or mad. just changes. evolving.)
and it's struggles with someone that we love sooo much. (we love you, if you are reading.)

the influence of 2 sweet souls is what lead me in the past couple of days to take an inventory of my shit in my head, and now i'm spilling it all out in this blog.
my swedish cousin-in-law..
she is a long legged, red curly haired godess. her style: she cuddles up to you on a couch really close, looks you deep in the eyes, and asks softly - - really hard questions. last sunday - she pulled this on me unexpectedly. she indirectly forced me to think about what was going on inside of me. she sent me home with a list of authors that she revears. not really self-help type books. more like mind-body wellness references. my little sister and i went to collect some of the books yesterday afternoon. last night, i started reading "women's bodies, women's wisdom", by christiane northrup, m.d. the look of the cover really scared me. sometimes i buy or don't buy books, like i buy or don't buy wine. i have to like the label. anyway.... thusfar, the book really made me think outside of the box that i usually think in. that was really already an instant relief from the sad and anxiety ridden feelings. sometimes, i guess we just get stuck. i have been so stuck, in regards to not having a sweet baby. so many have told me, "just quit thinking about it." and i have seriously contemplated how to just quit thinking about it, damnit. i love all of you that have told me that, but haven't figured out a way to do that. but, then last night, some paths started clearing.

and then.
a sister-friend.
long story.
tied together via my little sister, and possibly her biggest brother, and somewhere in there my favorite teacher, and alittle weirdly, my husband. but REALLY tied together because that's just how God made it.
i have always loved her. i haven't really talked with her for years, for no other reason than no reason. but nevertheless, i have always made an effort to know about her... to know how she is. from the side, i have watched her blossom into an exquisite woman.
i am almost finished.
so she has apparently been watching me, too, lately. she knew about us working on a baby. she sent a story to me via my little sister, and a gift of one of her empty journals. (she is a truly gifted writer. i don't know how to hyperlink her in here...so go to rootsandwingsandmilesbetween.blogspot.com.)
the journal came to me a couple of months ago. finally, several days ago, i wrote in it. i think i just wrote 2 or 3 words. but it freed me up.

so really, this spill is my thank you note to the long legged cousin-in-law and both a thank you note and a farewell note to the sister-friend. she is getting ready to put on her wings.

good night.

happy flagbirthday mrs. richard. i love you.

i love to love you. happy anniversary.

dna

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big best friend birthday weekend. they are 2 and 32?!