boloramo II

there is one place that matt and i never end up together. the bowling alley.
we had our second annual boloramo over the weekend.
first annual (last year) happened to be the first night that matt and i had been "out" in months and months, after settling in as married.
that night was a big date, big looking forward to it, big getting ready, big build-up to the night........ BIGGGGG fight. honestly, our only real argument ever, still to this day! he left my ass there and went home!
and now for the second annual... i miss him again. we all did.
photos courtesy of baldduderunning.blogspot.com. thank you, trey.
matt, i wish even more that we had pictures to send you of our yoga class on sunday. has anyone ever been to yoga with a guy that had badddddd gas? there were two boys in the room, and the toots weren't instructor trey's!
big love to you in india, honey.
we are almost home.

f yo minivan

finally, a picture from matt and blake in india... titled, "f*&% yo minivan".
love you honey. hang in.

press 1 for if you are calling for....

way before blogging, my method of releasing "yuck" was by writing.
let me get my thank you and apologies out of the way before i start:
thank you sheye, for giving me a listen to the song on your blog. it helped me realize my thoughts, so i borrowed it for my blog.
and then...
please forgive me, as i am choosing to write my yuck here, in hopes of feeling better after the last word is written.
and also i should preface by saying that this blog is not intended to be a sad blog. it is intended to be just wherever i am on the said day. and this afternoon, i still feel sad.
and the last apology: i am sorry to everyone that i love and loves me back soooo much that i have shut you out in the past few days. i just haven't been able to muster up the strength and hold back the tears to let you love on me.

i thought i was fortunate to have to be traveling for work almost the whole first month that matt is gone. i thought that i could leave sad at home, but it has followed me wherever i go.
i really have so much more to be content and happy and thankful about. the list is ENDLESS. but there are 2 things inparticular that fog my soul right now....
that is matt being gone and my "menses", as our fertility nurse calls it on her voicemail: "please press 1 if you are calling to report the start of your menses..." coming again. and i guess a third sadness: matt not being here for that. and i guess a fourth sadness: another month will pass, because he won't make it home in time for the next "o" (o=ovulation). (i should have forewarned all boys to skip this entry.)
i have never experienced something as draining as the monthly minute that all of the hopes are bust.
and it has drained me more than ever this month, because we both really thought this was it.
i am not mad at all of the ultrasound probing and shots in my stomach for a week and the shot in my ass that didn't work. i am just sad.
i am not mad that we have decided to not and cannot do invitro. i am just sad to wonder if that would be the only way...even if that.
i am not mad because it's almost been 2 years and because we are just alittle on the edge of "older". (i know i know... nicole kidman. but that doesn't help the sad!)
i am not mad, thinking it never will happen. i am just sad, because i don't understand what it going on inside of me.
i am not mad that it might NOT ever happen. i am just sad that we don't have any way of knowing if that is the case.
i am not mad at god for not answering our prayers....yet. i am just sad (and feel selfish) that i seem to pray more, just because of my yearning for this prayer to be answered. actually, i am reading a book right now about prayer, and it does say that it's just our human nature that we do this.
let me say that again. i am not mad at god. and really, in a backasswards way - that is my only relief in this all.
as much as my sadness represents my "wondering", and wanting to know, and needing to control it all.... that is my only solace... that i can't control it.
my solace is that even though as sadly as it takes me to get to this point... to realize and re-realize it, god has a plan for us.
i am not one to throw god in anyone's face. but today, i needed to re-realize this for myself.

sweetly sleeping....dreaming

i feel like:
1) the girl in high school that wore her boyfriends' letter jacket even if it was daisy duke cutoff short, 90 degree weather day. she slept with a stuffed animal that we won her at the county fair. and she dedicated songs to him on fm 96STO.
and
2) the psycho version of the girl above that called and called and called and callllllled his phone repeatedly, even if he wasn't going to answer.
i don't remember being like either 1 or 2.
but here's my modern day connection with her:
1) i sleep on his side of the bed. i don't even un-make my side. i don't want to wash his pillowcase this week because it smells like his hair. i used his toothbrush this morning. (that's nothing new). i stare at this paintings. i cry when i talk to him. i cry after i talk to him. i laugh outloud when around someone or just alone, thinking about the thousand things funny his does. i look and look and look at the polaroids that we took on our new year's eve date and the next day when he left. (i posted them for you...alittle blurry bc/ he took the camera, so i took a picture of the pictures on my webcam!)
and
2) i listen and listen and listen and listen and lisssssten to the same song over and over again, one in-particular that he and his music soul mate wrote and recorded years ago.
i have had the most insanely bizarre dreams since he left. really, every night. nothing really about him, or me - just crazy ass bizarre. so, i wake up from the dream to get out of them. (i never remember my dreams previously?) and then i can't go back to sleep because i miss him. so then i think about his song. they wrote ronnie's tune before "us", and re-mixed it last year. i just pretend that he is singing to me.
i am writing ridiculously dramaticly premenstrually cheeeeeeesy right now, but damnit, i want to.
i miss him every minute. i love him in every way. i pray that he is sweetly sleeping....dreaming.
good night honey.
i feel better now.
(p.s. to all: if you want a more leg slapping diary of how it is when he's gone this month.... go to dirtbucket.)