the medicine made me crazy

ahhhhhhhhhhh. or is it uggghhhhhhh? ohhhhhhhhhhhh. that's more like a deep breath. that's where i am right now.

i haven't written a word in this blog for months. tried to keep it somewhat active with pictures, but honestly, even that has been a struggle. i just haven't been able to utter anything down. when i have tried, the overwelming emotion is the same as when i have tried to talk for the past several months. waves of tears come. ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. deep breath. feel the wave coming.
when i look back to see what i just wrote above.... i define depressed. but the past several months' pain is different from depression as i have known it. this wave doesn't keep me in bed, or inactive, or unable to focus, or eating less or more. this wave has, though, caused me to intravert alittle. this wave definition: i just feel really aware that i feel sad and anxious. feel the wave coming AGAIN. my lord. oh. and if it's not sad feelings, it's me jumping down someone's throat. waves of freak outs. i have never experienced anything like this in my life.
so.
i have tried to identify with myself/within myself for the past several days. first, i wanted to really realize circumstances that make me sad or anxiety ridden right now. that was a one minute task.
1. we are at the year mark of trying to conceive a baby. some people choose to keep this kind of struggle private, which i really do respect. but, we just aren't very private people. it's a once a month announcement to family and friends. "i started my period." i have done that since i was little.
2. the medicine that i take, because of not yet being able to conceive a baby. i think it really has made me chemically crazy.
3. friendships changing.
4. having to resort to "tough love" with someone that we love soooo much.
oh my. i forgot something else until just now. i kicked a smoking addiction several months ago. no wonder i'm such an bitch.
so, for me atleast, that is a load. it's physical, mental, emotional, spiritual.
it's about struggles with myself...my body, not matt's. as he would tell you, his fertility test results equalled "i am strong like bull!"
it's struggles with God. when will it sink in to my thick skull that God will take care of us? as matt prays, "God, please forgive my unbelief."
it's struggles with friendships (nothing bad or mad. just changes. evolving.)
and it's struggles with someone that we love sooo much. (we love you, if you are reading.)

the influence of 2 sweet souls is what lead me in the past couple of days to take an inventory of my shit in my head, and now i'm spilling it all out in this blog.
my swedish cousin-in-law..
she is a long legged, red curly haired godess. her style: she cuddles up to you on a couch really close, looks you deep in the eyes, and asks softly - - really hard questions. last sunday - she pulled this on me unexpectedly. she indirectly forced me to think about what was going on inside of me. she sent me home with a list of authors that she revears. not really self-help type books. more like mind-body wellness references. my little sister and i went to collect some of the books yesterday afternoon. last night, i started reading "women's bodies, women's wisdom", by christiane northrup, m.d. the look of the cover really scared me. sometimes i buy or don't buy books, like i buy or don't buy wine. i have to like the label. anyway.... thusfar, the book really made me think outside of the box that i usually think in. that was really already an instant relief from the sad and anxiety ridden feelings. sometimes, i guess we just get stuck. i have been so stuck, in regards to not having a sweet baby. so many have told me, "just quit thinking about it." and i have seriously contemplated how to just quit thinking about it, damnit. i love all of you that have told me that, but haven't figured out a way to do that. but, then last night, some paths started clearing.

and then.
a sister-friend.
long story.
tied together via my little sister, and possibly her biggest brother, and somewhere in there my favorite teacher, and alittle weirdly, my husband. but REALLY tied together because that's just how God made it.
i have always loved her. i haven't really talked with her for years, for no other reason than no reason. but nevertheless, i have always made an effort to know about her... to know how she is. from the side, i have watched her blossom into an exquisite woman.
i am almost finished.
so she has apparently been watching me, too, lately. she knew about us working on a baby. she sent a story to me via my little sister, and a gift of one of her empty journals. (she is a truly gifted writer. i don't know how to hyperlink her in here...so go to rootsandwingsandmilesbetween.blogspot.com.)
the journal came to me a couple of months ago. finally, several days ago, i wrote in it. i think i just wrote 2 or 3 words. but it freed me up.

so really, this spill is my thank you note to the long legged cousin-in-law and both a thank you note and a farewell note to the sister-friend. she is getting ready to put on her wings.

good night.