press 1 for if you are calling for....

way before blogging, my method of releasing "yuck" was by writing.
let me get my thank you and apologies out of the way before i start:
thank you sheye, for giving me a listen to the song on your blog. it helped me realize my thoughts, so i borrowed it for my blog.
and then...
please forgive me, as i am choosing to write my yuck here, in hopes of feeling better after the last word is written.
and also i should preface by saying that this blog is not intended to be a sad blog. it is intended to be just wherever i am on the said day. and this afternoon, i still feel sad.
and the last apology: i am sorry to everyone that i love and loves me back soooo much that i have shut you out in the past few days. i just haven't been able to muster up the strength and hold back the tears to let you love on me.

i thought i was fortunate to have to be traveling for work almost the whole first month that matt is gone. i thought that i could leave sad at home, but it has followed me wherever i go.
i really have so much more to be content and happy and thankful about. the list is ENDLESS. but there are 2 things inparticular that fog my soul right now....
that is matt being gone and my "menses", as our fertility nurse calls it on her voicemail: "please press 1 if you are calling to report the start of your menses..." coming again. and i guess a third sadness: matt not being here for that. and i guess a fourth sadness: another month will pass, because he won't make it home in time for the next "o" (o=ovulation). (i should have forewarned all boys to skip this entry.)
i have never experienced something as draining as the monthly minute that all of the hopes are bust.
and it has drained me more than ever this month, because we both really thought this was it.
i am not mad at all of the ultrasound probing and shots in my stomach for a week and the shot in my ass that didn't work. i am just sad.
i am not mad that we have decided to not and cannot do invitro. i am just sad to wonder if that would be the only way...even if that.
i am not mad because it's almost been 2 years and because we are just alittle on the edge of "older". (i know i know... nicole kidman. but that doesn't help the sad!)
i am not mad, thinking it never will happen. i am just sad, because i don't understand what it going on inside of me.
i am not mad that it might NOT ever happen. i am just sad that we don't have any way of knowing if that is the case.
i am not mad at god for not answering our prayers....yet. i am just sad (and feel selfish) that i seem to pray more, just because of my yearning for this prayer to be answered. actually, i am reading a book right now about prayer, and it does say that it's just our human nature that we do this.
let me say that again. i am not mad at god. and really, in a backasswards way - that is my only relief in this all.
as much as my sadness represents my "wondering", and wanting to know, and needing to control it all.... that is my only solace... that i can't control it.
my solace is that even though as sadly as it takes me to get to this point... to realize and re-realize it, god has a plan for us.
i am not one to throw god in anyone's face. but today, i needed to re-realize this for myself.