i feel like:
1) the girl in high school that wore her boyfriends' letter jacket even if it was daisy duke cutoff short, 90 degree weather day. she slept with a stuffed animal that we won her at the county fair. and she dedicated songs to him on fm 96STO.
and
2) the psycho version of the girl above that called and called and called and callllllled his phone repeatedly, even if he wasn't going to answer.
i don't remember being like either 1 or 2.
but here's my modern day connection with her:
1) i sleep on his side of the bed. i don't even un-make my side. i don't want to wash his pillowcase this week because it smells like his hair. i used his toothbrush this morning. (that's nothing new). i stare at this paintings. i cry when i talk to him. i cry after i talk to him. i laugh outloud when around someone or just alone, thinking about the thousand things funny his does. i look and look and look at the polaroids that we took on our new year's eve date and the next day when he left. (i posted them for you...alittle blurry bc/ he took the camera, so i took a picture of the pictures on my webcam!)
and
2) i listen and listen and listen and listen and lisssssten to the same song over and over again, one in-particular that he and his music soul mate wrote and recorded years ago.
i have had the most insanely bizarre dreams since he left. really, every night. nothing really about him, or me - just crazy ass bizarre. so, i wake up from the dream to get out of them. (i never remember my dreams previously?) and then i can't go back to sleep because i miss him. so then i think about his song. they wrote ronnie's tune before "us", and re-mixed it last year. i just pretend that he is singing to me.
i am writing ridiculously dramaticly premenstrually cheeeeeeesy right now, but damnit, i want to.
i miss him every minute. i love him in every way. i pray that he is sweetly sleeping....dreaming.
good night honey.
i feel better now.
(p.s. to all: if you want a more leg slapping diary of how it is when he's gone this month.... go to dirtbucket.)
9 comments:
Hi Carrie
Thanks for commenting on my blog. I can't find an email for you so will just comment here about my song...I always condense down any music I use with Razor Lame and then I host it through my photography site host externally..I then just embed the url for the song. It's not so straightforward unfortunately :(
I think I just googled "embed song into blogger" or something when I first added music way back when.
Cheers
Sheye
My love, i miss you, and think about you all day long. Absences makes the heart grow fonder. I will be in your dreams tonight, lets meet there. With all my love. Benny Lava!
whew wee.. wear my shit out.
but, also reminded me of my 96sto dedications...YUK.
love you....call me and come visit.
i've written 10 things and erased 10 things. i can't replace his smell or his halariousness, but i sure do love you. and i am down the street. and i'll do whatever, whenever to make it feel as better as possible!!
I'm with you on this one. To put it bluntly, it just sucks. As I was reading this, Patrick called, the phone rang once, I answered it, and there was no one on the line. Those are the times when I cry because I can't pick up the phone and call him back. I'm reading a HILARIOUS book right now called "The Homefront Club: The Hardheaded Girl's Guide to Raising a Military Family." Yes, lots of it is about the military, but much of it deals with being separated and some of the "side effects" that come along with it. If you can get past the military life stuff, it might give you a pretty good chuckle. I find that funny books right before bed help me avoid the crazy dreams. Some problems I had at first were insomnia, lack of appetite, crying at the drop of a hat (still do that a little:), WILD dreams (still have those too-the other night I dreamed that I was telling off my 93 year-old grandmother), and anxiety about ALWAYS checking my e-mail and making sure my phone is operating properly. I was afraid to take sub jobs because I didn't want to miss his call-which has happened the last two school days in a row. I sleep in any Navy t-shirt I can find around the house. Anything to feel closer to him. Honey, hang in there. I can't say that it gets "easy," but it will get "easier." If you ever need anyone who understands what you're going through to listen (or someone who can cry with you if you need it), I'm always here for you! My best advice is to stay as busy as humanly possible so that the time passes quickly. Once I got out of the house after my two week crying hermit phase, life got a little better. Know how much you're loved!
sweet christina. thank you. what i remember the most is that a couple of months is NOTHING compared to situations like yours. or even more so.... really LOSING someone. i am, and you are fortunate, in the big scheme of things.
best thing ever, though: SKYPE. real time, free video conference! or if you don't have video - you can talk in real time through computer for free. does he have access to internet? i'll help you with it - if he is aloud to use it.
You are so right--at least they're coming back to us. And we're thankful for finding them in the first place! As far as SKYPE goes, Ashley told us about that, and Patrick doesn't have internet access all the time. He only has it when he goes in the office, so that's not very often. I do get short e-mails every now and then, but the SKYPE thing isn't an option for us. I finally did hear back from him last night, but only for 2 minutes and 37 seconds. At this point, I take what I can get and am just glad to hear that he is okay. Today I got a package in the mail from him with a DVD that they made for the officers' wives of some sweet messages and a little of what they have been doing while they are over there. I plan on watching it about 140,000 times so I can see his sweet face! Just try to remember how blessed we are to have them in the first place, and have a night full of sweet dreams.
God love your soul! I would be in the same boat. Like I said over Christmas...call me. We can go to Target or whatever you want! :)
Carrie:
I am loving that song of Matt's! And the pics are great, too!
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