without rain, nothing grows.

this is a picture of one of the cherry blossom trees on the side of our house.

now i finally understand why my mom and dad have always loved me so much, always, no matter.
even if it was just for a short time, now i finally know and have felt the unexplainable, amazing feeling of a mother loving a child. and now i have gotten to witness my sweet husband loving as only a father can.

after a long (and now looking back at it) impatient 2 year wait for pregnancy, god gave us a quick practice round of being parents for the past couple of months. (and i might add, after all of the so called infertility mess - - this happened naturally!)
so not unfortunately, but just because.... this pregnancy ended with miscarriage. not outweighing the heavy heartbreak of that is the confirmation that now we really do know that we can and will love a child someday.

the details of the happiness of the past couple of months and the heartache of the past couple of days doesn't matter right now, but has been tucked away as priceless memories and lessons.
i am not writing today to lay that all out, although you all know that we are not shy, and an open book.
i am writing, for one, to "spill", as you know by now is one mean of healing for me.
but even more important than a good healing spill for me, is an overwhelming desire to make sure that the people that love us know how taken we are by how much you care. how much you love on us. how blown away we are about how amazing our family and friends are.

last week, when we came home from our second dr's appointment, (the first one for matt, as he was still in india for our first ultrasound)... matt and i just sat together for quite a long time. one, just to be alone, two, not knowing WHAT to do next, and three, waiting for a phone call from the dr.'s office with some blood work confirmation.
after the call came, we called both matt's and my mom. we weren't able to reach matt's mom at work. when we got my mom, i couldn't even finish my sentence to her before she said, "i'll be right there."
she loved on us only like a mom can, then she called her troops one by one. little sister came from work, big sister called and then came quickly, brother and father were right behind. matt's mom called from work. matt found his dad later that evening. and then the brother in laws who are brothers came, and the aunts, uncles, cousins and our last 2 grandparents (the 91 year old granfather reassuring "it's going to stick next time)... all right behind.
we were physically and emotionally surrounded and protected. that safe and secure feeling that is alittle hard to explain. but we all know what it feels like.
so we got through that day and night surrounded.
and then the next days, we little by little got the strength to let friends know by some way or another.
and some of those days, we were seeking out to talk, and other parts of that day and the days that have followed.. we closed in and hibernated.
but through the seeking out and needing and the closing the front blinds and just crying..... our family and friends never have left our side.
calling, but not expecting a call back.
calling again.
and again.
giving us comfort via words, not knowing if you said the right thing, so then putting more words in a card in the mail.
stopping by to get us out of the house, or leaving a mister misty freeze while i was sleeping off the anesthesia.
leaving orchids for me to wake up to.
sending emails with loving concern and promising reassurance.
coming home to matt's favorite spaghetti casserole dinner.
and literally on and on and on and on and on.

i can't explain clearly enough how much we love our family (all of them) and friends, who are our family. but i am trying in all of the jumble above - -and i hope you can feel our most heartfelt "thank you."
and what we have experienced in the past week makes me more tongue twisted than ever, and more mind boggled and more.....
in love, with my husband.
thank you matty. we are a good team.
we can get through anything, as long as we are together.

ahhhhhh.
i feel better now, for now.
(thank you for listening...)
love
c

happy birthday lale and jackson

born 5,431 miles apart and 7 years apart - my dog and my sister's dog were born on the same day.

today should be a happy birthday for lale, because it is almost a miracle that she is still alive.
she has lived through a 24 hour plane ride from turkey to the states in the cargo space with terrible turbulence. (my justification that she is crazy and anxiety ridden 4 years later..)
she has lived through jumping ALL THE WAY through 2 of our front windows in our house, both close- to- original windows, probably one hundred years old.
she has lived through eating 2 boxes of d-con rat poison. (this incident the doctors said that there would be no way she would make it through...)
and she has lived through her bark collar malfunctioning and burning through her neck and larynx.
what?????????? i know.

meanwhile, it isn't as happy of a birthday as she thinks. her cousin dog and best friend has approached his 14th birthday today.
he was almost as equally rambunctious in his youth as lale...
running at full speed into trees to head butt them, wearing TWO electric fence collars because he loved to run through the line and get shocked, and daily, emptying out our mom's beautiful planters to make himself a bed.
but today, his free spirit has somewhat diminished. he doesn't come to the vickers' front door to greet guests anymore. he is tired. but, hopefully, he is not hurting, and is at peace.

for those of you who have known me my whole life, you might say that you would never think i would be writing about dogs, much less have my own dog.
but the companionship that jackson gave my sister for the past 14 years warmed my heart finally, about 7 years ago. he was physically, mentally, emotionally, REALLY, my sister's best friend. i was lonely in turkey, and tried a dog for my friend. it changed my life forever.

happy birthday to our lale. happy life to our sweet jackson.
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tuesday night update: susan and mike's and mm's sweet jackson died this afternoon.