Wednesday, April 9, 2008

without rain, nothing grows.

this is a picture of one of the cherry blossom trees on the side of our house.

now i finally understand why my mom and dad have always loved me so much, always, no matter.
even if it was just for a short time, now i finally know and have felt the unexplainable, amazing feeling of a mother loving a child. and now i have gotten to witness my sweet husband loving as only a father can.

after a long (and now looking back at it) impatient 2 year wait for pregnancy, god gave us a quick practice round of being parents for the past couple of months. (and i might add, after all of the so called infertility mess - - this happened naturally!)
so not unfortunately, but just because.... this pregnancy ended with miscarriage. not outweighing the heavy heartbreak of that is the confirmation that now we really do know that we can and will love a child someday.

the details of the happiness of the past couple of months and the heartache of the past couple of days doesn't matter right now, but has been tucked away as priceless memories and lessons.
i am not writing today to lay that all out, although you all know that we are not shy, and an open book.
i am writing, for one, to "spill", as you know by now is one mean of healing for me.
but even more important than a good healing spill for me, is an overwhelming desire to make sure that the people that love us know how taken we are by how much you care. how much you love on us. how blown away we are about how amazing our family and friends are.

last week, when we came home from our second dr's appointment, (the first one for matt, as he was still in india for our first ultrasound)... matt and i just sat together for quite a long time. one, just to be alone, two, not knowing WHAT to do next, and three, waiting for a phone call from the dr.'s office with some blood work confirmation.
after the call came, we called both matt's and my mom. we weren't able to reach matt's mom at work. when we got my mom, i couldn't even finish my sentence to her before she said, "i'll be right there."
she loved on us only like a mom can, then she called her troops one by one. little sister came from work, big sister called and then came quickly, brother and father were right behind. matt's mom called from work. matt found his dad later that evening. and then the brother in laws who are brothers came, and the aunts, uncles, cousins and our last 2 grandparents (the 91 year old granfather reassuring "it's going to stick next time)... all right behind.
we were physically and emotionally surrounded and protected. that safe and secure feeling that is alittle hard to explain. but we all know what it feels like.
so we got through that day and night surrounded.
and then the next days, we little by little got the strength to let friends know by some way or another.
and some of those days, we were seeking out to talk, and other parts of that day and the days that have followed.. we closed in and hibernated.
but through the seeking out and needing and the closing the front blinds and just crying..... our family and friends never have left our side.
calling, but not expecting a call back.
calling again.
and again.
giving us comfort via words, not knowing if you said the right thing, so then putting more words in a card in the mail.
stopping by to get us out of the house, or leaving a mister misty freeze while i was sleeping off the anesthesia.
leaving orchids for me to wake up to.
sending emails with loving concern and promising reassurance.
coming home to matt's favorite spaghetti casserole dinner.
and literally on and on and on and on and on.

i can't explain clearly enough how much we love our family (all of them) and friends, who are our family. but i am trying in all of the jumble above - -and i hope you can feel our most heartfelt "thank you."
and what we have experienced in the past week makes me more tongue twisted than ever, and more mind boggled and more.....
in love, with my husband.
thank you matty. we are a good team.
we can get through anything, as long as we are together.

ahhhhhh.
i feel better now, for now.
(thank you for listening...)
love
c

15 comments:

spearsbm said...

I'm so sorry for your loss, Carrie. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers, and many good wishes for the future!

love, mandi

shootamonkey said...

we love love love you two.

-jenny

joel and amy said...

Carrie:

I had no idea. I am so sorry and can tell you that I DO know how you feel. Your friend is here for you if you need her.

sas said...

Carrie....My heart hurts for you right now. I am so so sorry for your loss. I know that you and Matt will one day soon become parents and be WONDERFUL parents! Thank you for sharing your thoughts and emotions. If you need anything, I am here just a few blocks away. You and Matt are in my thoughts and prayers. love ya!

Vic said...

I LOVE YOU!!!

dani said...

carrie, i KNOW your heartbreak as well... valentines day 1992... but, then i gave birth to katherine elizabeth on december 11th of the same year!!! did your ob-gyn tell you that you are at your most fertile right now??? mine did; and i evidentally was...
love and prayers,
dani

the redhead said...

sending lots and lots of hugs!!! love you two.

rhonda said...

i love you.
WE love you..
but. you already know that.
thank you for sharing...

Moonpie said...

I loved those Yoshino cherry trees when I bought and planted them. I miss their beautiful blossoms! What I miss is getting to know you and Matt. You both have such beautiful souls and love each other so much. That is what makes life's heartaches bearable. I am so happy to get to know you better through your blogging! Prayers for you and Matt at 241. Much love, Dana

The Adventures of Maverick & the Mrs. said...

Carrie, as you probably already know, I've looked up to you ever since I met you. Abbie and I both did, and still do. You are a remarkable person, and I'm glad you've got an equally remarkable husband--the two of you will be amazing parents. I will pray for you that your time comes when you want it to. Please know that we're all here for you, even though some of us are far away in distance. Love to you both-Christina

Shannon said...

Carrie and Matt, We are so sorry for your loss. We will pray for you and your family and hope that you will find comfort in the days ahead.

GG said...

Carrie and Matt,
I am so so sorry. I love you both and my heart aches for you.
Marti

KT said...

sending you love from across the country carrie. take care of yourself! -KT

Rendy said...

Only God knows.
So many prayers for you and Matt.
Love and blessings.
Rendy

Maryam in Marrakesh said...

Oh my....I got all teary at the 91 year old grandfather.

So many of us have had miscarriages and cried rivers of tears, which were followed by shrieks of delight when we learned we were pregnant again. Here's hoping that for you:)

Warmest wishes from Marrakesh,
Maryam