without rain, nothing grows.

this is a picture of one of the cherry blossom trees on the side of our house.

now i finally understand why my mom and dad have always loved me so much, always, no matter.
even if it was just for a short time, now i finally know and have felt the unexplainable, amazing feeling of a mother loving a child. and now i have gotten to witness my sweet husband loving as only a father can.

after a long (and now looking back at it) impatient 2 year wait for pregnancy, god gave us a quick practice round of being parents for the past couple of months. (and i might add, after all of the so called infertility mess - - this happened naturally!)
so not unfortunately, but just because.... this pregnancy ended with miscarriage. not outweighing the heavy heartbreak of that is the confirmation that now we really do know that we can and will love a child someday.

the details of the happiness of the past couple of months and the heartache of the past couple of days doesn't matter right now, but has been tucked away as priceless memories and lessons.
i am not writing today to lay that all out, although you all know that we are not shy, and an open book.
i am writing, for one, to "spill", as you know by now is one mean of healing for me.
but even more important than a good healing spill for me, is an overwhelming desire to make sure that the people that love us know how taken we are by how much you care. how much you love on us. how blown away we are about how amazing our family and friends are.

last week, when we came home from our second dr's appointment, (the first one for matt, as he was still in india for our first ultrasound)... matt and i just sat together for quite a long time. one, just to be alone, two, not knowing WHAT to do next, and three, waiting for a phone call from the dr.'s office with some blood work confirmation.
after the call came, we called both matt's and my mom. we weren't able to reach matt's mom at work. when we got my mom, i couldn't even finish my sentence to her before she said, "i'll be right there."
she loved on us only like a mom can, then she called her troops one by one. little sister came from work, big sister called and then came quickly, brother and father were right behind. matt's mom called from work. matt found his dad later that evening. and then the brother in laws who are brothers came, and the aunts, uncles, cousins and our last 2 grandparents (the 91 year old granfather reassuring "it's going to stick next time)... all right behind.
we were physically and emotionally surrounded and protected. that safe and secure feeling that is alittle hard to explain. but we all know what it feels like.
so we got through that day and night surrounded.
and then the next days, we little by little got the strength to let friends know by some way or another.
and some of those days, we were seeking out to talk, and other parts of that day and the days that have followed.. we closed in and hibernated.
but through the seeking out and needing and the closing the front blinds and just crying..... our family and friends never have left our side.
calling, but not expecting a call back.
calling again.
and again.
giving us comfort via words, not knowing if you said the right thing, so then putting more words in a card in the mail.
stopping by to get us out of the house, or leaving a mister misty freeze while i was sleeping off the anesthesia.
leaving orchids for me to wake up to.
sending emails with loving concern and promising reassurance.
coming home to matt's favorite spaghetti casserole dinner.
and literally on and on and on and on and on.

i can't explain clearly enough how much we love our family (all of them) and friends, who are our family. but i am trying in all of the jumble above - -and i hope you can feel our most heartfelt "thank you."
and what we have experienced in the past week makes me more tongue twisted than ever, and more mind boggled and more.....
in love, with my husband.
thank you matty. we are a good team.
we can get through anything, as long as we are together.

ahhhhhh.
i feel better now, for now.
(thank you for listening...)
love
c

happy birthday lale and jackson

born 5,431 miles apart and 7 years apart - my dog and my sister's dog were born on the same day.

today should be a happy birthday for lale, because it is almost a miracle that she is still alive.
she has lived through a 24 hour plane ride from turkey to the states in the cargo space with terrible turbulence. (my justification that she is crazy and anxiety ridden 4 years later..)
she has lived through jumping ALL THE WAY through 2 of our front windows in our house, both close- to- original windows, probably one hundred years old.
she has lived through eating 2 boxes of d-con rat poison. (this incident the doctors said that there would be no way she would make it through...)
and she has lived through her bark collar malfunctioning and burning through her neck and larynx.
what?????????? i know.

meanwhile, it isn't as happy of a birthday as she thinks. her cousin dog and best friend has approached his 14th birthday today.
he was almost as equally rambunctious in his youth as lale...
running at full speed into trees to head butt them, wearing TWO electric fence collars because he loved to run through the line and get shocked, and daily, emptying out our mom's beautiful planters to make himself a bed.
but today, his free spirit has somewhat diminished. he doesn't come to the vickers' front door to greet guests anymore. he is tired. but, hopefully, he is not hurting, and is at peace.

for those of you who have known me my whole life, you might say that you would never think i would be writing about dogs, much less have my own dog.
but the companionship that jackson gave my sister for the past 14 years warmed my heart finally, about 7 years ago. he was physically, mentally, emotionally, REALLY, my sister's best friend. i was lonely in turkey, and tried a dog for my friend. it changed my life forever.

happy birthday to our lale. happy life to our sweet jackson.
***********************************************************************************
tuesday night update: susan and mike's and mm's sweet jackson died this afternoon.

march 29. 7pm central std time. EARTH HOUR.

About a year ago, Sydney started a trend of turning off your lights for one hour in a show of support for protecting our environment. Soon after, London, San Francisco quickly followed suit. One year later, the organizers of Sydney’s Earth Hour feel that one city at a time doesn’t really cut it anymore. Which is why this year’s event is going global, with cities from every continent, including the US, participating in what promises to be the largest ever show of solidarity in the world on March 29th for Earth Hour.


The even is organized by the World Wildlife Fund International. Last year’s event in Sydney drew the participation of 2.2 million people, and it is obvious that the organizers are expecting a much larger number to participate. The idea is as simple as it sounds. On March 29, 2008 at 8:00p.m. local time, every participant city will encourage businesses, community leaders and individuals to turn out their lights for one hour. So who is participating in the event? Aalborg, Aarhus, Copenhagen and Odense in Denmark; Brisbane, Melbourne and Sydney in Australia; Suva in Fiji, Manila in the Phillipines, Tel Aviv in Israel, and in the North American side, Toronto and Chicago.

“Earth Hour will send a strong signal that people all around the world are deeply concerned and expect their leaders to take action before it’s too late,” said WWF Director General James Leape. “Climate change is a global challenge that requires global solutions and it’s clear that the people of this planet are ready to get involved and find the answers.”

excerpt taken from www.inhabitat.com

dear matty. make a wish..... and blow out your candles!

i love you (more than so much.)
i hope this is the only of your birthdays ever that i won't be with you.
enjoy your birthday bash in bangalore. make it a day you will never forget.
take pictures for me.
happy birthday honey!

not borat?

ok. here's the deal. i was going private - - but cannot, until someone tells me who lives in uzbekistan.
borat lives in kazakhstan, but who that i know lives in uzbekistan?
please tell me. it's driving me crazy. if you don't have an account to comment to me, please email me @ carrie@sightsdenim.com.
maybe an old friend from turkey? just let me know who you are!

epsom salt

how on earth has it taken me 33 years to know about an epsom salt bath?
my sisters tease me relentlessly about being so savvy in regards to "products" - - - but i swear i never have known about this perfect miracle bath.
if you know me or read this blog, you know that i'm not too shy, so i'm not embarrassed to tell you that i had the 2nd most horrible hemorrhoid for the past week that about put me out of business.
matt's aunt suggested really hot baths. my brother suggested epsom salt with that.
he gave me a big jar of it that he and laura had stuck the last of their herbs in last fall.
i have done the bath atleast twice a day since last saturday. all i can say is: wow. it is amazing.
not just for my issue.... but i reallllly can tell a difference in my muscles and overall well being. i really mean this.

i might be the last to know about this one - - but just in case you haven't tried it, do so immediately. i don't do much of anything conservatively, and same goes for this new ritual. thank goodness a 4lb bag is only $2 or something crazy cheap like that.

what a week

alittle bit of alot of things in the past week.....

my baby sister turned 30. we celebrated in a special way, that still could not match how special she is.

i spent the beginning of the week in colombia, south america. i had some unexpected extra time, because the collection i was showing customers got stuck in customs, therefore the trip was a waste, other than the pictures i got to take. i quickly became obsessed with the colors of the doors, the fruit and the cars. enjoy!

the new domino was on the newstand when i got back to the first airport in the states. i bought it, even though it would be at home in our mailbox. it's always fun to see our development and product in magazines - - but it's really fun to see it on the front cover of my favorite magazine. the jean on the cover is an earnest sewn... and it photographed very well. also - nice article on rogan on page.... i can't remember.



came home wednesday night, into a fury at work..... as our team was busy preparing for a big visit to present a brand identity and first season of product for this brand.
welcome to hendo, ky kenny chesney.
sorry, sas, that we had to keep it on the down-low. there are some crazy ass fans around here! somehow, the word got out - -and he was followed from the airport and back!





we are so exauuuuuuuusted after all of that.
so laying in bed on saturday morning drinking coffee!

oh - - -and.... i'm following the crowd and going private on this blog.
if you would like to continue to make this one of your blogging stops... send me a comment or email me @ carrie@sightsdenim.com
will do it in a week.

love,
c

boloramo II

there is one place that matt and i never end up together. the bowling alley.
we had our second annual boloramo over the weekend.
first annual (last year) happened to be the first night that matt and i had been "out" in months and months, after settling in as married.
that night was a big date, big looking forward to it, big getting ready, big build-up to the night........ BIGGGGG fight. honestly, our only real argument ever, still to this day! he left my ass there and went home!
and now for the second annual... i miss him again. we all did.
photos courtesy of baldduderunning.blogspot.com. thank you, trey.
matt, i wish even more that we had pictures to send you of our yoga class on sunday. has anyone ever been to yoga with a guy that had badddddd gas? there were two boys in the room, and the toots weren't instructor trey's!
big love to you in india, honey.
we are almost home.

f yo minivan

finally, a picture from matt and blake in india... titled, "f*&% yo minivan".
love you honey. hang in.

press 1 for if you are calling for....

way before blogging, my method of releasing "yuck" was by writing.
let me get my thank you and apologies out of the way before i start:
thank you sheye, for giving me a listen to the song on your blog. it helped me realize my thoughts, so i borrowed it for my blog.
and then...
please forgive me, as i am choosing to write my yuck here, in hopes of feeling better after the last word is written.
and also i should preface by saying that this blog is not intended to be a sad blog. it is intended to be just wherever i am on the said day. and this afternoon, i still feel sad.
and the last apology: i am sorry to everyone that i love and loves me back soooo much that i have shut you out in the past few days. i just haven't been able to muster up the strength and hold back the tears to let you love on me.

i thought i was fortunate to have to be traveling for work almost the whole first month that matt is gone. i thought that i could leave sad at home, but it has followed me wherever i go.
i really have so much more to be content and happy and thankful about. the list is ENDLESS. but there are 2 things inparticular that fog my soul right now....
that is matt being gone and my "menses", as our fertility nurse calls it on her voicemail: "please press 1 if you are calling to report the start of your menses..." coming again. and i guess a third sadness: matt not being here for that. and i guess a fourth sadness: another month will pass, because he won't make it home in time for the next "o" (o=ovulation). (i should have forewarned all boys to skip this entry.)
i have never experienced something as draining as the monthly minute that all of the hopes are bust.
and it has drained me more than ever this month, because we both really thought this was it.
i am not mad at all of the ultrasound probing and shots in my stomach for a week and the shot in my ass that didn't work. i am just sad.
i am not mad that we have decided to not and cannot do invitro. i am just sad to wonder if that would be the only way...even if that.
i am not mad because it's almost been 2 years and because we are just alittle on the edge of "older". (i know i know... nicole kidman. but that doesn't help the sad!)
i am not mad, thinking it never will happen. i am just sad, because i don't understand what it going on inside of me.
i am not mad that it might NOT ever happen. i am just sad that we don't have any way of knowing if that is the case.
i am not mad at god for not answering our prayers....yet. i am just sad (and feel selfish) that i seem to pray more, just because of my yearning for this prayer to be answered. actually, i am reading a book right now about prayer, and it does say that it's just our human nature that we do this.
let me say that again. i am not mad at god. and really, in a backasswards way - that is my only relief in this all.
as much as my sadness represents my "wondering", and wanting to know, and needing to control it all.... that is my only solace... that i can't control it.
my solace is that even though as sadly as it takes me to get to this point... to realize and re-realize it, god has a plan for us.
i am not one to throw god in anyone's face. but today, i needed to re-realize this for myself.

sweetly sleeping....dreaming

i feel like:
1) the girl in high school that wore her boyfriends' letter jacket even if it was daisy duke cutoff short, 90 degree weather day. she slept with a stuffed animal that we won her at the county fair. and she dedicated songs to him on fm 96STO.
and
2) the psycho version of the girl above that called and called and called and callllllled his phone repeatedly, even if he wasn't going to answer.
i don't remember being like either 1 or 2.
but here's my modern day connection with her:
1) i sleep on his side of the bed. i don't even un-make my side. i don't want to wash his pillowcase this week because it smells like his hair. i used his toothbrush this morning. (that's nothing new). i stare at this paintings. i cry when i talk to him. i cry after i talk to him. i laugh outloud when around someone or just alone, thinking about the thousand things funny his does. i look and look and look at the polaroids that we took on our new year's eve date and the next day when he left. (i posted them for you...alittle blurry bc/ he took the camera, so i took a picture of the pictures on my webcam!)
and
2) i listen and listen and listen and listen and lisssssten to the same song over and over again, one in-particular that he and his music soul mate wrote and recorded years ago.
i have had the most insanely bizarre dreams since he left. really, every night. nothing really about him, or me - just crazy ass bizarre. so, i wake up from the dream to get out of them. (i never remember my dreams previously?) and then i can't go back to sleep because i miss him. so then i think about his song. they wrote ronnie's tune before "us", and re-mixed it last year. i just pretend that he is singing to me.
i am writing ridiculously dramaticly premenstrually cheeeeeeesy right now, but damnit, i want to.
i miss him every minute. i love him in every way. i pray that he is sweetly sleeping....dreaming.
good night honey.
i feel better now.
(p.s. to all: if you want a more leg slapping diary of how it is when he's gone this month.... go to dirtbucket.)